Brad's Marx Brothers Page
In the spirirt of the Marx Brothers films, this page
is presented to you in glorious black and white.
For best results, this page should be viewed at 800x600 resolution with
16-bit color (Thousands of colors)
(Such are the ironies of greyscale).
and welcome to Brad's Marx Brothers Page. This page is far more popular
than I'd ever thought possible. I know so many people who know absolutely
nothing about the Marxes. Since starting this page, I have received e-mails
from many different people of many different ages and backgrounds. I'm
glad to know that the Marx Brothers are still appreciated today.
I have changed the songs in the song section.
Also, check the Internet section for a Marx Brothers movie schedule.
The Marx Brothers on the Internet:
Chico: When we first started out,
we gotta no idea you give us this grand reception. We don't deserve it.
And when I say we don't deserve it, believe me I know what I'm a-talkin'
These are some of the best places to go on the internet to find out more
about the Marx brothers.
TV Now's Marx Brothers Movie Schedule: See a list of upcoming Marx Brothers TV
Internet Movie Database listing for Groucho,
Yahoo!'s listing for the
Marx Brothers. (Look for this page there!)
Why a Duck?
- The Official Unofficial Marx Brothers Web Site. A page that is more informative
than this one. Contains lots and lots of information about Marx-related
Brothers Desktop Theme for Windows 95! This requires that you have
Microsoft Plus! installed on your computer. A few words of warning: This
file is about a Meg in size, and the connection is a little slow on their
end, so it may take some time to download. This file is located on another
server, so if it won't connect the first time, try again later. I don't
feel this theme really does the Marx Brothers justice, but many people
have inquried about a desktop theme, and this is the only one I've found.
!!!!!A Night at the Opera!!!!!
Groucho: Do you know that America
is waiting to hear him sing?
Chico: Well, he can sing loud,
but he can't sing that loud.
The lyrics to Lydia, the Tatooed Lady,
from At the Circus
The lyrics to Hooray for Captain Spaulding,
from Animal Crackers
And, by popular demand:
Lydia, the Tatooed Lady, from At the
Wanrning: These sound files are all between 1 Meg and 2
Megs. Do not download these if you have a slow connection, unless you have
a lot of free time on your hands.
- A Night at the Opera
I would like to know what songs people would like to see here. I have
the following songs readily available, and I will try to cycle them based
on popular demand: I always get my man, from Horse Feathers;
Hooray for Captain Spaulding, from Animal Crackers; Chico's
piano performance, from Animal Crackers; Lydia, the Tatooed
Lady, from At the Circus, and These are the Laws of my Administration,
from Duck Soup. Please e-mail me
to let me know what you want put up here.
The wit of the Marx Brothers:
Groucho: Say, I used to know a
fellow that looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are
you his brother?
Chico: I'm Emanuel Ravelli.
Groucho: You're Emanuel Ravelli?
Chico: I'm Emanuel Ravelli.
Groucho: Well, no wonder you look
like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance.
Chico: Ha, ha! He thinks I look
(A sound icon means that a sound file is available for the selection. Click
on the icon to hear the sound.)
Groucho on the economy (from Animal Crackers):
Roscoe W. Chandler (Louis Sorin): The nickel today
is not what it used to be ten years ago.
Groucho dictates a letter (from Duck Soup)
Captain Spaulding (Groucho): Well, I'll go further
than that. I'll get off at the depot. The nickel today is not what it was
fifteen years ago. Do you know what this country needs today?
Spaudling: A seven cent nickel. Yes siree, we've
been using the five-cent nickel in this country since 1492. Now that's
pretty near 100 years daylight saving. Now why not give the seven cent
nickel a chance? If that works out, next year we can have an eight cent
nickel. Think what that would mean? You could go to a newsstand, buy a
three cent newspaper, and get the same nickerl back again. One nickel carefully
used would last a family a life-time.
Chandler: Captain Spaulding, I think that is a wonderful
Spaulding: You do, eh?
Spaudling: Well, then there can't be much to it. Forget
Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): Uh - Take a letter.
Groucho's attempts at romance (from Horse Feathers):
Bob (Zeppo): Who to?
Firefly: To my dentist. Uh - "Dear Dentist: Enclosed
find check for five hundred dollars. Yours very truly." Send that off immediately.
Bob: I'll - uh - I'll have to enclose the check first.
Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.
Connie (Thelma Todd): Oh Professor, you're so full
Groucho on love (from Duck Soup):
Wagstaff (Groucho): Can you notice it from there? I'm
always that way after I eat radishes.
Firefly (Groucho): Not that I care, but where is your
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off!
Mrs. Teasedale (Margaret Dumont): Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. T: I was with him till the very end.
Firefly: Huh! No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. T: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly: Oh, I see. Then it was murder. Will you marry
me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Mrs. T: He left me his entire fortune.
Firefly: Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying
to tell you? I love you.
Groucho on love (from Duck Soup):
I could dance with you till the cows came home. On second thought I'd
rather dance with the cows till you came home.
Groucho just being Groucho (from Horse Feathers):
Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what I'll go home
to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.
Groucho on musical taste (from A Night at the Opera):
Driftwood (Groucho): Is the opera over yet?
Chico on ethics (from Animal Crackers):
Doorman: Not yet, signor. In a few minutes.
Driftwood (to carriage driver): Hey you! I told you
to slow that nag down.On account of you I almost heard the opera! Now then,
once around the park and drive slowly.
Arabella (Lillian Roth): Oh, Mr. Ravelli, I want you
to do something for me.
Ravelli (Chico): I do anything for you. What you want
I should do?
Arabella: You see that painting?
Ravelli: You mean this piksh?
Arabella: I want you to take that out of the frame
and put this one in its place.
Ravelli: You want I should take this one 'a down put
this one upstairs.
Arabella: Yes, that's it.
Ravelli: You want I should steal?
Arabella: Oh no. It's not stealing.
Ravelli: Well, then I couldn't do it.
Three Cheers for Captain Spaulding!
Three Cheers for Captain Spaulding!
Groucho on love (from A Night at the Opera):
Driftwood (Groucho): That woman? Do you know why I
sat with her?
Groucho to Margaret Dumont (from Duck Soup):
Mrs. Claypool (Margaret Dumont): No-
Driftwood: Because she reminded me of you.
Mrs. Claypool: Really?
Driftwood: Of course! That's why I'm sitting here with
you, because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips, everything
about you reminds me of you, except you. How do you account for that?
Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont): I've sponsored your
appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
Groucho on art (from Animal Crackers):
Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): Well, that covers a lot
of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it.
I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where
you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi you can
leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been
vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Captain Spaulding (Groucho): Tell me, Mr. Chandler,
where are you planning on putting your opera house?
Chico's journey to America (from A Night at the Opera):
Roscoe W. Chandler (Louis Sorin): Oh, I thought I should
like to put it somewhere near Central Park.
Spaudling: I see, why don't you put it right in Central
Chandler: Could we do that?
Spaulding: Sure, do it at night when no one is looking.
Why not put it in the reservoir and get the whole thing over with. Of course,
that might interfere with the water supply. But, after all, we must remember
that art is art. Still on the other hand, water is water, isn't it? And
East is East, and West is West. And if you take cranberries and stew them
like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time-a we start-a,
we get-a half way across when we run out of gasoline and we gotta go back.
Then I take-a twice as much-a gasoline. This time we were just about to
land, maybe three feet, when what do you think? We run out of gasoline
again. And back we go again and get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty
gas. Wella we getta half way over ... when what do you thinka happen? We
forgota the airplane. So we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I
getta the great idea. We no taka gasoline. We no taka the airplane. We
taka steamship. And that, friends... is how we fly across the ocean.
That's a fine way to carry ice.
Where are your tongs?
Groucho flirting (from Monkey Business):
Groucho: How about you and I passing out on the veranda,
or would you rather pass out here?
Chico's billing plan (from Animal Crackers):
Woman: Sir, you have the advantage of me!
Groucho: Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you
Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont): You are one of
the musicians? But you were not due until tomorrow.
Groucho on Chico (from the introduction to "Why a Duck?"):
Signor Emanuel Ravelli (Chico): Couldn't come tomorrow.
That's too quick.
Captain Spauling (Groucho): Say, you're lucky they
didn't come yesterday.
Ravelli: We were busy yesterday, but we charge just
Spaulding: This is better than exploring. What do you
fellows get an hour?
Ravelli: Ah, for playing we getta ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now... for rehearsing, we make a special rate,
that'sa fifteen dollars an hour.
Spauling: That's for rehearsing.
Ravelli: That'sa for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn't afford it.You see if we don't
rehearse we don't play. And if we don't play, that runs into money. . .
. Well, let's see how we stand. . . . Yesterday we didn't come. You remember
yesterday we didn't come.
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: That's three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday you didn't come, that's three
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that's reasonable. I can see that,
Ravelli: Now today we did come, that's -
Spaulding: That's a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal.
Chico's Italian vocabulary was not large. Indeed I doubt that he knew
more than a dozen Neapolitan phrases. But they were all useful. To give
you a few examples, with their loose translations:
Bortcha motcha..."Kiss me quick; I'm double parked."
Tutti Minooti... "Help, help! I've been bitten by a snake!"
Dabisco si ... "Have you fed the cat?"
Ot'sa fine.... "Ot'sa fine."
Groucho on Harpo (from the introduction to "Why a Duck?"):
I must not leave Harpo without some reference to his wonderful sense
of sportsmanship. If, in chasing a blonde across the stage or screen, he
caught her - and found her to be undersized - he would throw her back.
Groucho: I wish to announce that
a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order
to get you in that room quickly, Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano
solo in this room.
A few more images of the marxes, set aside on another page to save donwload
page is Enhanced for Netscape 2.0 and above. If you want to get a good
web browser, meet me tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now - you
and the moon. You wear a necktie so I'll know you. Have you heard of the
battle between Netscape and Microsoft over web browsers? I think Groucho
has the only appropriate comment.
on this topic.
Pictures and text are taken from the books "Why a Duck?" (1971) and
"Hooray for Captain Spaulding!" (1974), both edited by Richard J. Anobile.
.wav sounds (except advantage.wav) were sampled with my own equipment from
the MCA Universal videotape releases of the Paramount Pictures Animal
Crackers (1930), Horse Feathers(1932), and Duck Soup
(1933), and the MGM Picture A Night at the Opera (1935). The file
advantage.wav was sent to me by a Marx Bros. fan. The song, Lydia the
Tatooed Lady, was sampled with my own equipment from the MGM Picture
At the Circus (1939), as shown on Cinemax.
Mail me to let me know how
you like my page, or just to say hi to a fellow Marx Brothers fan: firstname.lastname@example.org
Return to Brad's Highly Experimental Home
Last updated Sept 26, 1998